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Michael Scott: It's simply beyond words. It's incalculable.
Diversity Day
Michael Scott: Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North," and these are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.
Health Care
Dwight Schrute: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.
The Alliance
Michael Scott: When I retire, I don't want to just move to some island somewhere. I want to be the guy who gives it all back. I want it to be like, 'Hey... who donated that hospital wing that's saving so many lives?' 'I don't know. It was anonymous.' 'Well, guess what. It was Michael Scott.' 'But how do you know? It was anonymous.' ... 'Because I'm him.'
Basketball
Roy: Trust me. Tip it my way or you're sleeping in the car.
Hot Girl
Katy: It was nice to meet some of you!
Season Two
The Dundies
Pam: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundees are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.
Sexual Harassment
Michael Scott: When I said that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.
Office Olympics
Dwight Schrute: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like...Mozart's friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like...Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You’re gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
The Fire
Michael Scott: Yes, I was the first one out. And yes, I’ve heard "women and children first". But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.
Halloween
Dwight Shrute: Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.
The Fight
Dwight Schrute: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran killed twenty men and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.
The Client
Jim Halpert: Do we all have a copy of Threat Level: Midnight by Michael Scott?
Performance Review
Pam: Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were and it ended with him telling me he could bench press 190 pounds.
E-mail Surveillance
Jim Halpert: And my roommate wants to meet everybody. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up. He is very real.
Christmas Party
Michael Scott: Happy birthday Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.
Booze Cruise
Dwight Schrute: What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor, Early in the morning?
The Injury
Jim Halpert: I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman Grill.
The Secret
Michael Scott: Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton... mostly at work, but the fact that he told me his secret and no one else says everything about our friendship. And that is why I intend on keeping that secret for as long as I possibly can.
The Carpet
Michael Scott: This was no act of God, a person did this, a person who works in this office. Maybe all of them.
Boys and Girls
Dwight Schrute: Remember on Lost when they meet "the Others"?
Valentines Day
Dwight Schrute: Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.
Dwight's Speech
Michael Scott: I'm very sorry, I did not know you were wearing a hearing aid. I thought you were just speaking abnormally.
Take Your Daughter to Work Day
Pam: I am actually looking forward to Take Your Daughter to Work day. I am not great with kids, but I want to get better. Because I'm getting married. So I put out a bunch of extra candy on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. Like the witch in Hansel and Gretel.
Michael's Birthday
Pam: If I knew I had a week to live, I would probably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. It would be a pretty busy week.
Drug Testing
Jim Halpert: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate, because it turns out that Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.
Conflict Resolution
Dwight Schrute: Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
Casino Night
Darryl: I taught Mike some, uh, some phrases to help with his interracial conversation. You know, stuff like, "fleece it out," "going mach 5," "dinkin' flicka." You know, things us Negroes say.
Season Three
Gay Witch Hunt
Michael Scott: Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up it meant "lame". And now it means a man who makes love to other men. We're all homos. Homo sapiens.
The Convention
Jim Halpert: You know when I saw Dwight I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were. And then he spoke. I wonder how hard it would be to get a copy of his room key.
The Coup
Dwight Schrute: Ever since Michael dumped Jan for Carol, Jan’s been bitching out on him. Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.
Grief Counseling
Dwight Schrute: When I die. I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
Initiation
Dwight Schrute: Will Ryan become a loser, slacker like Jim or will he join the Dwight Army of Champions?
Diwali
Andy: TUNA! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?
Branch Closing
Jim Halpert: I don't have a ton of contact with the Scranton branch, but before I left, I took a box of Dwight's stationery, so from time to time I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future. "Dwight, at 8am today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight."
The Merger
Dwight Schrute: The Japanese camp guards of World War Two always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.
The Convict
Michael Scott: I didn't hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist.
A Benihana Christmas
Jim Halpert: It's a bold move to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael's a bold guy. Is bold the right word?
Back From Vacation
Michael Scott: Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it could get us both in trouble. So officially I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night, and in the morning. That's all I'm gonna say. We had sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan.
The Traveling Sales Man
Jim Halpert: Ah, young Jim. There's just so much I need to warn you about. And yet, tragically, I cannot.
The Return
Michael Scott: I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I am going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.
Ben Franklin
Jim Halpert: Michael referred me to a male strip club called "Banana Slings." Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania.
Phyllis's Wedding
Kevin: No, this is not our first wedding. This is the third wedding that Scrantonicity has played. We also played our bassist’s wedding and our guitarist’s wedding.
Business School
Ryan Howard: If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So I'd be stupid not to do it...right?
